30% Off And Cold Hands

Did any of you take that aggressive driving test I linked to on Friday? I did. The breakdown of scores were as follows: 0-3 “NO” answers is excellent; 4-7 is good; 8-11 is fair and anything over 12 (of 38 questions) is poor. I ranked as FAIR with 8 NO answers. Oh yeah, well then F you! Are you trying to tell me I’m an aggressive driver? How dare you!  What makes you think I”m an agressive driver! You don’t know sh…   Eh-hemm.. And Ariel scored 3. It’s still there, you can take it if you want to.

Today’s the day we celebrate Columbus Day, but not so much about how good old Chris discovered America–there is much contention that he didn’t even do that because there were people already here, namely a huge Alaskan population. Some areas across the country are learning about his thievery and misrepresentation of the Spanish crown. Others are learning about the “Columbian Exchange” which was not only gold, crops and goods shipped back and forth across the Atlantic, but also diseases carried by settlers that killed off native populations. Some teachers are even telling their classes Columbus didn’t know where he was at one point and that he could also be very mean and bossy. I know people like that. In fact, just last Wednesday… eh hemm. That’s quite a blow about Christopher Columbus. Here I always had this fantasy that he just came and discovered our fine land in 1492, after sailing the ocean blue, four score and seven… well, a really long time ago. It’s the kind of fantasy that sits right up there along with thinking you can still say Merry Christmas without offending someone. I think 5th grade is a little too early to teach kids Columbus’ crew carried deadly diseases with them, but, in the long run, I really don’t care because I can still get my sheets and towels at 30% off, regardless of what sort of scoundrel he was. What’s next? Telling us that Miles Standish gave the Indians the burnt part of the turkey on the first Thanksgiving?

And while I’m shopping, I better stock up on my mittens because they are fading off store shelves. A federal study shows that due to the obesity epidemic the need for mittens is decreasing to the point where the industries survival is in question. At first my face twisted in confusing when I read this but I read on to find out the meaning of such preposterousness. A team of researchers (this is where our tax dollars are going, I fear) found that overweight people generate more heat than fit people and this heat is being released through their extremities, thus making hand temperature hotter than less hefty subjects. Carol Burdge, executive director of the International Glove Association (I didn’t know there was such a thing, either) is quoted as saying “If that’s the case, people could go without gloves and just stick their hands in their pockets.” Now, there’s a concept but my face is still twisted with confusion. I’ve been doing that for years.

And I just have to do this. It’s finally here, the rebuttal every man has been waiting for and before you see it elsewhere, I want to be among the first to bring it to you, even though its popularity is climbing up the viral charts.

 

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