Then There Was That Man


We arrived finally at our hotel, tired and chilled and somewhat satisfactorily sated from something that resembled a frankfurter on a stale bun, rang the security bell, and said good night once again to the desk clerk who was on duty earlier and had let us in a few hours prior after the concert.

Our room, 112 was just steps from the elevator, possibly 2 giant steps (May I?). We walked in and the first thing that caught my attention was an uncomfortable putrid odor and I closed the door behind us. One of us must have gotten quick action from our midnight snack, but it wasn’t me.  All at once, my mind was occupied with taking off my jacket, trying to identify whatever that increasingly sickening stench was and registering the  words Ariel just spoke “What is this? Who is that?”   My head reeled in a sudden fog, my teeth clenched and the hair on the back of neck  stood up when I saw before me a strange man, sprawled out face down, naked and covered in feces on one of the beds.

 Our gazes were fixed momentarily, as we tried to assess the situation and makes sense out of what we were seeing until we composed ourselves enough to return to the front desk. In spite of Ariel’s pleas that we remain as calm as possible, I blurted out the description of what we just left behind to the front desk clerk and  her eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.  She finally realized we weren’t joking around and called the police and then the hotel’s security manager came out from his office He interrogated us as to whether we knew him, or gave him our key, if we left our door open. The first to respond was the fire department and they took off when the police arrived and they were followed the first aid squad.

While we waited in the lobby to see what would develop, the desk clerk tried valiantly to find us a room elsewhere in town because this hotel was all booked up for that wedding on Sunday, the one that caused the ridiculous registration rigamarole when I was trying to check in. There’s a punch line in here. Wait for it… (as if a naked man in a “fecal” position wasn’t enough!)

At least forty-five minutes had gone by and she was unable to get a satisfactory answer from anyone, including her manager whom she roused out of a sound sleep on the phone and finally Captain Craptastick was being wheeled through the lobby on a stretcher, awake and sitting up, wrapped in a robe and obviously incoherent. He was stone cold drunk out of his mind! That’s what one of the paramedics told us and one of the cops who spoke with us could just about contain a laugh when he realized it was our room that had been violated.

Finding a room for us was becoming an obvious impossibility and the entire situation knocked the tired right out of us and we decided to go home. It really made no sense at that point to get a room anywhere in the city because by the time check out time would have come around, we would have only gotten a few hours sleep anyway. We were finally allowed to go  back into our room to gather our belongings, except one shirt of mine that was otherwise soiled and Ariel’s toothbrush on the sink,  and though it was seemingly untouched, he left it among the detritus in the equally soiled bathroom.

Back in the lobby, we crossed paths with the man’s wife, who wasn’t operating on all cylinders herself, whether from likewise over-imbibing,  suffering the embarrassment her drunken husband was causing or possibly from wondering how this would effect their daughter’s wedding the next day. Yes, this was the family that was checking in when we arrived! In a turn of simple compassion, after Ariel demanded from this woman to know her name, rather than add to her obvious misery, which it looked like he was about to do, only offered her good luck, to which she sorrowfully responded, “Thanks. I think I’m gonna need it”.  Breaks my heart, really, to think of the innocent parties involved, namely, the poor bride.

In conclusion, we arrived home just after 5 in the morning. The hotel couldn’t even validate or offer to pay our parking fee so we could get the truck and go home; they aren’t affiliated with that garage. That was the least of our concerns, but we made it home without incident and in one piece and we’d have to leave Chock Full Of Nuts for another time.

There are two trains of thought: one being that  there was a glitch in the key card code, or as the hotel suggested, which I would imagine they would have to, we left our door ajar. That was their take on it when they called Sunday afternoon, but I remember distinctly closing that door with the doorhandle in  my hand because when we went out the first time, for dinner and the concert, the door slammed behind us and  echoed throughout the hallway.  I remembered that when we left to meet up with the guys and held the door from slamming. It was after 11:30 at night and didn’t want to be “that guy” with disregard for everyone else.   

Well, the hotel offered us a complimentary two-night stay nonetheless to be used all at one time or on two separate occasions to make up for the inconvenience. And the last report of the father of the bride–he was released from the hospital on Sunday evening where was treated for severe alcohol poisoning and returned to his family who was still staying at the hotel. And in retrospect, as Ariel pointed out, thank God that man wasn’t dead otherwise we would have been unwittingly dragged into a police investigation. Now, THAT would have been something to write about!


5 Responses to “Then There Was That Man”

  1. Gary Collins Says:

    OMG!!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!!

  2. Donna Ortman Says:

    I am speechless. If I were Melissa, I might say my mouth is as wide as the phone! Horrific!
    Hey, I remember years and years ago you looking for a Chokc Full of Nuts coffee shop in NYC 🙂

  3. Donna Ortman Says:

    I am speechless. If I were Melissa, I might say my mouth is as wide as the phone! Horrific! I wonder if he drank at the wedding reception.

    Hey, I remember years and years ago you looking for a Chock Full of Nuts coffee shop in NYC 🙂

  4. Melissa Says:

    Mom!!!! You beat me to it!!!!! I was just about to write:
    “My mouth is as wide as this phone!”

    Well …. it IS!!!

  5. Barbara Birchfield Says:

    Thanks for an awesome story !

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