Teachers Who Fix Their Hair

122 million votes, an all time record will determine the winner of this year’s American Idol. The two finalists, Scotty and Lauren came out and a remote of each one’s hometown was shown in the background. Scotty had such a huge crowd and it was determined by us, the revelers, that most of the people in Lauren’s hometown, which recently suffered a tornado, got blown into North Carolina, into Scotty’s camp. The reunion of the idols came together for the final Brady Bunch moment singing, once again (yawn….) Lady Gaga’s Born This Way.

James then joined Judas Priest for a performance and he was in his glory. Jacob sang with some guy playing the piano (sorry, I was multi-tasking) and Gladys Knight with her Pips. She never leaves home without them. Well, that one time, but we won’t talk about that. Oh, it was Kirk Franklin, the piano player guy.

Next up was Constipation Casey AND Jack Black (a perfect pair if ever there was one) singing Fat Bottom Girls. Jack Black’s a singer? For that matter…. Constipation Casey’s a singer?

The girls of the Top 13, all dressed in red came out and sang Put A Ring On It and To The Left and something I didn’t recognize (I’m assuming a Beyonce song) and If I Were A Boy… alright already, where is Beyonce herself, this medley is getting tiresome. Ah, there she is and, oh man, those shoes….HOT!!!!! And she’s got legs all the way up to there.

During this little break, while they’re saluting Steven Tyler’s first year on Idol, let me interject with this ridiculous asinine quote and see if you know who said it : “Serials, for the most part are baby boomer programs…”.

Speaking of asinine, the coupling of Haley and Tony Bennett, for instance. Well, what does he care? He’s 85, he’s left a legacy and still going strong and his Duets 2 album will be out in September. Gotta put that on my Amazon wishlist. Or maybe my birthday wishlist. Little John (L’il John?) came bouncing out followed by TLC singing Waterfalls. LOVE that song.

Scottypants and Tim McGraw duetted with Live Like You Were Dying. Go Scotty. And Jennifer Lopez turned up missing (uh…oxymoron much?). She must be gonna sing. Must be gonna sing; oh, Mac would have my head for that one.

Let me finish that quote while we revisit some of the year’s misguided idol hopefuls. “…and as Boomers are out of the key selling demographic, we need to look at alternatives.”. Need a hint? His name rhymes with Jackass. Yes, it was Brian Frons. Not gonna get into analyzing that one, not now.

Well it wasn’t J-lo, but Marc Anthony who appeared at the top the stairs, singing some hip-gyrating rhythmic song accompanied by Sheila E. on the drums, of course and oh yeah and J-lo, shaking her money maker for hubby Marc.

Oh dear, and then the boys came out, lead by Stefano (making it evident it was a wise move he got voted off) singing a Prince song (made sense with Sheila E being there) and then Paul sang a Tom Jones song, as did the rest of the boys, and I remembered that The Voice had once covered Prince, so he should be out shortly and here he is, all tan and looking spiffy singing It’s Not Unusual.

Speaking of Lady Gaga, here she is in a bedazzled modified revolutionary war hat.

Lauren’s turn, singing Before He Cheats, the Carrie Underpants, er, Underwood version, not the hyped up club version by Jackie O. So, could Ms. Underpants be far behind. Thanks for that one, Pocono Bob! R.I.P.

And one more time with Beyonce who can’t say algebra. But then again, who uses the word algebra in a song? Well, Rose Nylund wanted to use intrauterine in a song about Miami… you’re cuter than, an intrauterine…so I guess all bets are off.

Bono and The Edge, amid a huge Spiderman set, including a flying Spiderman (which one is this, the one with the broken ribs or the broken back?) failed to impress me with Rise Above.

Our own Steven Tyler suddenly appeared on stage tickling the ivories to Dream On. I hear tell he performed solo because the rest of Aerosmith has shunned him for being a judge on American Idol.

And now comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Dim the lights… Come on Scotty…….

It’s Scotty!!!!!  Scotty is the new American Idol.  And Lauren seemed as genuinely happy as she could be and that other creep that got voted off last week is still scowling.




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2 Responses to “Teachers Who Fix Their Hair”

  1. Melissa Says:

    Wow! That was very entertaining! I actually didn’t watch the Idol finally, but I feel like I have!

    And let me just say this – I love me some Beyonce!

  2. Melissa Says:

    Oh, also … that was a lot of performers “TA HAVE!” on the show! My goodness. Who will be left for next year?

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