Come Back, Derwood Stevens

Okay, now they’ve done it. First Wonder Bread bragged how it could build bodies twelve ways. And Duncan Hines cakes were so light you could cut them with a feather. And who could forget cooking with Crisco when all the oil came back except one tablespoon? Farrah Fawcett lathered up Joe Namath’s face with Noxema brand shaving cream and Virginia Slims cigarettes showed how the modern woman could bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. And June Allyson admitted to wearing Depends adult diapers. And full-figured girl Jane Russell showed off her 18-hour bra.  All innocent stuff, indeed.

Then suddenly we got deluged by feminine hygiene products; for light days, for heavy days, for if you piddle some when you laugh too hard or if you just don’t have control of your “plumbing”. Okay, to be fair, we guys got a quick, almost forgettable mention when it came to having jock itch…with just one product.

Then there’s general hygiene; is your toilet paper too soft? Too hard? Does it get you clean? Does it scrape you like a cheese grater? Is it 1-ply? 2? Quilted? Can you pick up a dollar and forty cents worth of quarters, dimes and nickels with a wet sheet of your favorite tissue? Does it leave pieces like it does on the cute and cuddly cartoon bear. Really? Do we need to be that graphic, even with cartoons?  And now there’s a contest to name the regime of using both wet and dry Cottenelle. Yeah, life is good.  

Then we sort of delved into softcore porn with Yours + Mine KY lubricant. You know, the blue (for him) and purple (for her) complimenting set that warms and tingles (respectively) to get you off to a rip roaring intimate session in the bedroom. According to the commercial, which is just shy of a visual aid, you’ll be roasting marshmallows in no time.

And now we have pretty much stepped over another line: Please enjoy one or both of these short videos.

After that mess, it’s time for a cleansing, I think.  Any guesses who this could be?

Lizzie Williams, the wife of Royal Gynaecologist Sir John Williams. Her marriage was unhappy and childless and she depended on her husband for her wealth, reputation and security when her own family fortune was lost. She is also the latest to be named the face behind the Jack The Ripper murders. The argument goes that she would have done anything to defend her marriage and as “The Rippers’” victims were all prostitutes, and the slashing crimes committed with surgical finesse, would lead an investigator to believe the killer had some surgical knowledge. Fascinating stuff.


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One Response to “Come Back, Derwood Stevens”

  1. Melissa Says:

    Is there no decency?

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